Procrastination - Fear of Failure
The best intentions
Like all good intentions, before I launched this website I was determined to do a blog post once a week! Or maybe once a fortnight? Actually, once a month seems more realistic… Yes, I will blog once a month! My first blog post was on the 26th of June so you see how well I’ve upheld that intention.
I compiled a list of topics to write about over the last couple of months and every time I wrote them down I felt a buzz of excitement because I’d discussed them extensively with people I know, so everyone else must be interested in them too right?
Fear of failure
There it is. The main reason it took me so long to write this second post. The reason it takes me so long to start on anything. My inherent fear of looking like at idiot. At people laughing at me behind my back – ‘Oh she really thought she could become a writer, what a joke. She’s hopeless at it, what was she thinking?’
Naturally, thoughts like these send me into a spiral of:
‘You’ll never be good enough’
‘Why do I even bother starting something new?’
‘Just stick to what you know, it’s easier’
‘Just stay at home and be safe’
Psychosomatically, my body responds with reactions anywhere from flu symptoms to procrastination eating. And for someone who is not on social media very often, guess where you’ll find me during these times?
Entering the middle years of my life, I’ve been through enough cycles of this spiral to see it for what it is. My fear of failure. Fear of looking stupid. Fear of embarrassing myself. Fears, fears, fears, fears, fears. Fears. Fears of moving forward. Fears of starting.
And do I have strategies to overcome my fears?
Nope.
Well ... maybe?
I let myself feel my fears. Feel the stress, feel the anxiety, feel the ‘I’m not good enoughs’ unless all the emotions are out of me. Until I stop feeling them. Then, I lift my head and start the task.
One step at a time
I would love to say that I complete the thing I am afraid of immediately.
I don’t.
My brain finds any excuse to stop. Anything from starting a message to cancel a class/meeting/date, to researching the refund policy on travekl. My only redeeming quality in these situations is the frugalist in me never lets me get away with losing money on something just because I was too chicken to try it.
And then I push through.
Slowly looking back at the progress I made no matter how small – ‘Yay! I opened my laptop to start writing’ (even if I don’t write a word), then congratulating myself on being a teeny tiny step further than where I was before.
Progress!
Between the positive reinforcement for things most people would laugh at (yay you got out of bed today!) to seeing real progress (the words forming on a page, crocheting that beanie, realising I can touch my toes during a yoga class!), my motivation increases and procrastination disappears.
It’s slow, it’s painful and it’s worth it.
(For those of you who are curious, my procrastination activities while writing this blog post included, making a cup of tea, washing the dishes, checking the share market 8-), responding to emails I had been procrastinating responding on (the irony…) and oh I still need to put those sheets I washed earlier in the dryer. Byeee!!)
