….. Words will never hurt me
(Sticks and stones may break my bones but …)
My grade four teacher made us memorise this saying when a classmate mis-heard the sentence ‘You’re deaf’ as ‘You’re dead’.
‘You’re very fat. If you lose weight you will be beautiful.’
‘You ask too many questions, it’s rude.’
‘You’re single, what else do you have to do but work, get promoted’
Being polite, respectful and friendly is instilled in most people from childhood. Regardless if the other person is rude, manipulative and hurtful. Because ‘nobody will want to be your friend if you’re rude.’
Hang on. What if the other kids are being mean? Are you meant to just shut up and take it? Is it okay for someone to walk all over you, for the sake of remaining friends. For the sake of being loved.
I don’t think so.
(Words) Having the language
I’m of a generation who is trained not to express my feelings
‘the adults are talking’
‘if you have nothing nice to say, be quiet’
Being a shy child with few, if any, friends this naturally encouraged me not to voice my opinion, particularly to those who put me down or insulted me. When I tried to express how it made me feel I would become so overwhelmed with emotions I would break down and cry.
I had no vocabulary to express my feelings. When you’re told not to have a voice, you are never taught how to communicate your feelings. Because your feelings don’t matter. As long as the other person is fine.
(Will) Hurt people, hurt
Countless times I’ve judged people who say cruel things. Then I learn about their childhood. They were often neglected, verbally abused, bullied or belittled. Does it make what they say and do okay? Absolutely not. But it does often explain behaviour.
Often hurt people are not aware they are hurting others because it was the way they were raised. Or they might not have the personality, tools, support or motivation to understand how and why they behave the way they do, let alone change and grow.
(Never) Can we change people?
I wish! I wish we could make people behave the way we want or need them too. But then I would be a dictator taking away people’s personal freedom and that is not something I could do.
The only thing we can control is ourselves, our reactions, our communication, our actions.
(Hurt) It’s okay to express your feelings
They say communication is the key to long lasting relationships. And it is, when you have the language to express your thoughts and feelings. And if the other person listens.
If they don’t it is likely they have been raised to believe their opinion is the only one that matters. But it doesn’t mean you should stop communicating.
Just because one person doesn’t listen, doesn’t mean others won’t.
(Me) But How?
Try one small thing. Shake your head. Voice one small no. Ask them to explain their perspective. If it doesn’t work, try another small thing. Keep trying until it either works or is fruitless. If it’s the latter then you have two choices – accept the person the way they are, or limit contact.
In the process, you will change. Learn to be a respectful listener, learn to communicate your feelings. Even if you both disagree with the other’s opinion, you can understand their perspective and be on the same page.
Multiple pages can make a chapter.
Multiple chapters can make a book.
Like any skill, it will take time to learn. With practice you will learn there are people out there who listen and it will help you feel safe to express yourself. And (hopefully) you will show the same level of respect to everyone you interact in the future, making the world a kinder place.
