How to Accept Rejection: 5 Lessons I learnt from my writing being rejected

15 Nov

If you're wondering how to deal with rejection, overcome rejection, or cope with writing rejection, you're not alone.

The first time my writing was rejected I was Depressed! Yes, with a capital D. I couldn’t function, I had no energy, I lost my appetite. It lasted for around two months and it was like someone had rejected me personally. Except my writing feels more personal than me.

Rejection stings.

It floors.

It overwhelms.

How did I overcome it? I did what any reader would do – read about rejection. If you’re in the same boat as me, I want to save you some time and share my learnings.

What I share in this post:

After a few years of writing rejections, competition rejections and almost successes, I've found five strategies that make rejection easier to manage.

· Make rejection a habit

· Put rejection into perspective

· Stories to tell yourself to make it hurt less

· Gamify the rejection process

· Even when you win, you can be rejected

Ps if you want to know the books I read, they’re summarised at the bottom of this post.

How to make rejection a habit

In my previous blog I talked about building a reading habit. Why not build a rejection habit?

A habit of putting your work out there, that’s more personal that yourself, and have it not accepted.

One of the most useful books I’ve read on overcoming rejection was The Rejection that Changed My Life by Jessica Bacal. In it, successful women shared stories of the opportunities they didn't get, the jobs they missed out on, the applications that failed and the doors that closed. I didn’t realise how much rejection they had accumulated along the way to becoming successful in their fields.

Conclusion: The people we admire aren't successful because they avoided rejection. They're successful because they kept going after what they wanted regardless of the pushbacks.

Like any habit, when it becomes automatic, you stop agonising about it and just do it.

Then one day, when you receive an email or a phone call telling you, you’ve progressed, your first thought will be ‘are they calling the right person?’

Takeaway: Making it a habit means if you’re writing and putting yourself out there regularly, the chances of you showing up in the right place at the right time is a lot higher.

While I would love to say you’ll succeed by perseverance, everyone in the arts industry mentions luck. Timing, trends, what the judges, publishers, agents, producers want because of something they’ve just read or experienced.

How to put rejection into perspective

Choice is personal. Be it writing, relationships or dare I say it a job. (I’ve been on enough interview panels to know most panels always pick their favourites and not always the best person for the job).

There are plenty of books on my #DNF list. Some are award winners. Some incredibly famous, some are best sellers. Sadly, I just did not click with them. It didn’t make them bad books. It just meant they weren’t the right books for me at that time.

Have you loved every relationship you’ve been in? Have you loved every job you’ve had? Have you finished every book you’ve picked up? For most people the answer would be no. Though if your answer is yes please contact me, I’m curious!

So why wouldn’t judges or publishers feel the same way?

One of the central ideas in The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga is that your job is to do your work. What other people think of your work belongs to them. Not you.

Takeaway: Not everyone’s going to love your work, there are always going to be critics.

So every time I am rejected, I remind myself – my audience is out there. I just haven’t found them yet. If you’d like to be one of my audience, please contact me to be added to my mailing list :-)

Stories to tell yourself to make it hurt less

Last year I submitted a hook for an Instagram Live session with Cherise Fisher and Cece Lyra from Wendy Sherman Associates, and it was selected for review! (Thanks Admin Assistant for picking me! :-) ) Their advice was my hook was not specific and too short. But they kept referring to the theme I’d clumsily mentioned in my hook, while they reviewed others. I must have been in a positive frame of mind that day because I told myself it was a win! My hook was forgettable, but the theme memorable.

Telling myself stories is my coping mechanism. Apparently it’s quite normal.

In Atlas of the Heart, Brené Brown talks about "the story I'm making up." When something painful happens, our brains rush to explain it. I’ve been training my brain to think positively for years after reading The Resilience Project by Hugh van Cuylenburg.

Takeaway: Here are some of my mind flips:

Negative Thought - I’m not good enough
Positive Spin - I must have been close, I’ll just never know.
Negative Thought - Nobody loves my writing
Positive Spin - Maybe one judge loved it and another didn't. (I’ve recently had this confirmed, so now it’s real.)
Negative Thought - I’m wasting my time
Positive Spin - How can I create more tension, get the reader to ask more questions and keep reading?

Yes, I admit some of my thoughts tend towards narcissism, but hey, how can I best write about narcissists without understanding their headspace? ;-)

How to gamify the process

Last year my submission target was 5 competitions. I only submitted 4 times.

This year’s target was 10. I’ve only managed 7 to date.

The Resilience Project says resilience is built by repeatedly putting yourself in uncomfortable situations, not avoiding them. I 100% agree!

I have to remind myself - it’s the journey, not the destination. (Now I’m older I’ve begun to appreciate this more since it usually means I can listen to an audio book along the way 8-))

With this in mind, I don’t get AS depressed when I don’t progress. Maybe only an hour or so of wallowing. Or until I read about the winner’s journey and their writing credits then realise I have a long way to go.

So now I treat my writing submissions as a game.

Every submission earns points.

Every rejection is proof someone has read my work.

Every long listing or acceptance means I’ve progressed to the next level.

Takeaway: Enjoy the process – get excited about receiving rejections – because for those who submit know, not everyone sends them. Some agents and publishers ghost along with the rest of the world. So set a target for the year. And you just might progress.

If this is a game, maybe I can say I’ve conquered some of the minor skirmishes. One day I’ll get to the boss level.

Even when you win, you can be rejected

Being accepted into Faber Writing Academy this year was a shock, being long listed for the Furphy Literary Award brought me to tears (I do not jest), and being long listed for The Richell Prize had me floored – especially after I looked up the name of the person who had called me and found out she was an acquisitions editor for Hachette Australia (EEK!).

Naturally I expected everyone to also be excited about my hard-won journey.

Very few people were.

I was disappointed. Hurt. Why couldn’t everyone be happy for me? Note: Plenty of people were, but naturally I focused on the ones that weren’t.

Then I realised, not everyone sees you creating your story. Agonising over plot points, having writers block, crying when you know something bad is going to happen to your character (even though said character lives in your head, and nothing bad happens unless you actually write it down… Then it’s real).

Can you blame people if they don’t understand the importance of being acknowledged by your peers? The little boost you get when even one person says they like your work.

Michelle Obama’s The Light We Carry reminded me that achievement doesn't guarantee understanding from others. Sometimes success creates almost as much discomfort for us as failure.

Takeaway: A lot of people will never understand your wins. Or they’re jealous your pursuing your passion. Or they’re simply not as invested in your dreams. They have their own.

And that’s okay.

You’re doing what brings you joy, you’re progressing, you’re winning.

At least that’s what I tell myself :-)

Final thoughts

Rejection stings.

It always will.

But I've stopped taking rejection as personally. I don’t avoid it. I feel it. Embrace it. Then move on. For writers these feelings are gold when it comes to future material ;-) Then make it a habit, put in in perspective, tell yourself whatever story you need to keep going and gamify it.

And most of all KEEP GOING! Because rejection isn’t proof you’re failing. It’s proof you’re progressing.